White noise.

It is always very noisy.  I cannot seem to get over how uncomfortable this city is. This overlooks my guilt in even saying that; how ungrateful that sounds and the fact that I have everything ‘delivered to my doorstep’ as he would say.  It makes me sound mean and spoilt.  But let’s put that aside for the moment because I cannot place everything in one basket and expect the basket to hold strong.  Something must come out, this green poison, this vapour that steams inside me and rots rust and acid.  

I sit, I stare, out the window as the roads and buildings pass by. The same way that I sit and stare as my friends and colleagues sit around the table passing jokes and gossip and laughter.  A filmy sunproof barrier shrouds everything, or perhaps shrouds me, and makes everything seem distant and foreign and unattractive. Square one, or more like square zero, coming back here thinking with stubborn ferocity that life will be great life be great life will be great, repeat ad infinitum until you believe it and the universe conspires to bring it to your doorstep.  With that same ferocious positivity I accidentally bumped into Mr. Nine and there began our story which started casually and grew quickly and spun out of control like a deranged ballerina.  For he was the embodiment of attractiveness in my mind and everything that I thought I wanted but yet he was not what I needed and a bit more than I could stomach.

It is always very noisy in this city. I call it white noise but if I really bothered to listen as is sometimes inescapable this is what my reluctant ears hear:

"Traffic was horrible, and shame on that celebrity for getting knocked-up before marriage, where has the morality of this country’s young generation gone to, we are doomed for sure as a nation, have you had sex, omigod how “far” did you go with him, is she a good fuck, oh I feel like a virgin again, LOL, not that I ever lost my virginity, but I’m so getting drunk this weekend, astaghfirullah I was totally kidding, pornography should be banned because it is immoral and the people who do it and watch it are immoral and it poisons our children’s minds, but I’m sorry I watched porn during the House plenary session, I’m only human and I make mistakes too, I have asked God for forgiveness, I will now go umrah and wear a hijab to my court hearings and press interviews, I just want to find a nice Muslim  man and settle down and have kids and it doesn’t matter that he is completely boring, and I just want to find a nice smart wife but not too smart to not understand that her primary role is as a wife and mother and respect me even if I’m not doing a good job at providing enough for the family, but lets go to the JavaJazz concert tonight, I LOVE jazz and therefore I’m going to watch Corinne Bailey Ray and Santana, it was so amaaayyyyzing, hahahahaha, gokilllll, paraaaaaahhh, wkwkwkwkw…."

I want to be whisked away from all this ridiculousness.